My WordPress Blog
Welcome to our blog! This is the third post in a three part series on difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. The ability to ask for what you want and say no to a request is an essential skill. Yesterday we examined how a person who is very upset might use a DBT skill called […]
Welcome to our blog! This is the third post in a three part series on difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
The ability to ask for what you want and say no to a request is an essential skill. Yesterday we examined how a person who is very upset might use a DBT skill called checking the facts to calm themselves. Today we’ll explore keeping relationships and our self respect at the same time.
According to DBT, there are three major goals in relationships, keeping the relationship, getting needs met, and keeping self-respect. You can think of these as balls we juggle as we do the communication dance. Sometimes we want one of these, sometimes we need a combination of them. The balance can be difficult to achieve sometimes because we all respond to and interpret words based on our life experiences.
There are a few simple guide posts for good communication. First, be mindful of your own emotions and experience in the conversation. Pushing away feelings usually leads to explosions, leaving, or feeling miserable. Second, give back some of what you are hearing. Counselors call this skill reflection, it simply means stating what you hear the other person saying in your own words. Finally, be fair and truthful. Relationships should be good for both parties. It is very healthy and acceptable to ask someone to stop doing something that is hurting you or to ask for what you need.
Pro Tip: Try this simple fill in the blank statement in your next conversation.
I feel (emotion word), about (situation), and I need/would like __________.
Thank you for participating in our series on DBT and strong emotions! Never miss a post! Subscribe below.
Blessings, Jessica
See the first two posts here: Part 1, Part 2 Don’t miss a post! Subscribe now! For more information about DBT: https://linehaninstitute.org/.
Welcome to our blog! This is the second post in a three part series on difficult emotion by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. Yesterday we discussed the three states of mind. Emotion mind can be ineffective when we are tempted to act on urges that are inconsistent with our values and goals. When I am hungry, tired, […]
Welcome to our blog! This is the second post in a three part series on difficult emotion by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
Yesterday we discussed the three states of mind. Emotion mind can be ineffective when we are tempted to act on urges that are inconsistent with our values and goals. When I am hungry, tired, sick, or have not taken taken care of myself, I am more likely to be vulnerable to emotion mind. One way that I help myself come out of it is to check the facts. In DBT, checking the facts is a practice of examining our emotional response to an event using reason and logic.
I name the emotion, what caused it, and process my interpretation of the event. Then I usually ask myself if my emotion is valid. Anger makes sense when attacked, integrity is invalidated, or when blocked in reaching a goal. Fear makes sense when there is a threat to well being. Sadness makes sense when hope is dashed or something or someone is lost permanently. The process seems simple, but it is incredibly empowering to validate feelings.
Lets explore this practice further using Dwight from the Office as an example. Dwight is in emotion mind because Jim put his stapler in Jello again. He is ruled by anger and has urges to physically attack Jim and contact HR at the corporate office.
| Emotion Mind | Reasonable Mind | Wise Mind |
| Feelings: embarrassed, laughed at, angry | Anger is valid: Dwight’s social status is threatened | Feelings: Still angry, but grounded, like I can think |
| Thoughts: I shouldn’t let him get away with this! Angela will think less of me if I don’t do something. | Factual statements: People are more likely to listen if I appear calm. I can get another stapler from the closet. I deserve respect. | Thoughts: I do no like the way I feel when pranked. I want this behavior to stop. I can ask Jim to stop doing things like this. |
| Urges: humiliate/ punish Jim |
Notice how the thoughts in the reason column have changed from should statements and judgement. The urges have also disappeared as Dwight begins to feel empowered to help himself.
By giving his feelings a voice and then writing out the facts, Dwight moved up from the threat center of his brain, to higher brain function where he can act in ways that are consistent with his values. Dwight is much more likely to get an end to Jim’s pranks than if he had allowed himself to act impulsively.
Tomorrow we will explore making a request and saying no.
Blessings, Jessica
See the first post in the series here Change Your Mind: Difficult Emotions Part 1. Subscribe now and come back tomorrow for more information on this topic!
For more information about DBT: https://linehaninstitute.org/.