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Written by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. The daily grind can really stress me out. In previous stages of my life Sunday evening has been the worst part of the entire week. I have gone to bed dreading the impending rush of work and have slept poorly because my mind was busy problem solving. My soul has […]
Written by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
The daily grind can really stress me out. In previous stages of my life Sunday evening has been the worst part of the entire week. I have gone to bed dreading the impending rush of work and have slept poorly because my mind was busy problem solving. My soul has felt dry and my body has been exhausted. It reminds me of the parable of the sower. “Other seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked them” Matthew 13:7 (ESV).
I feel like good soil but my life keeps getting choked by thorn bushes:
I can spend every waking hour solving problems that have already occurred and rushing to outrun new ones. This often leads to the feeling that I am missing it; it makes everything seem pointless.
The good news is if you have this problem too we can stop being driven by task focused thinking and anchor ourselves to the present. This sounds very simple, but is not always easy in practice because fear of failure or disappointing someone is probably what has kept us on this track. Good earth that can “produce a harvest” requires some faith.
It takes faith to put all that worry aside and be still, to stop constantly scanning for upcoming problems. This type of practice will also allow feelings to come to the surface that we may have been avoiding, like sadness. I hate sadness, it is no fun at all! When I avoid this feeling it is usually because I’m afraid I will drown in it. Thankfully this assumption is typically wrong.
The practice below is focused on helping us regain our sense of what it feels like to let go. To turn our attention to the present moment. Being in the here and now has a calming effect on our brains and bodies. These five minutes we will take together help calm our threat systems that are working so hard. Lets give them a break.
For the next week I invite you to practice being still with me for five minutes every day:
Notice how you feel and let me know how it goes! I’ll be practicing too.
Blessings, Jessica
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Welcome to our blog! This is the third post in a three part series on difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. The ability to ask for what you want and say no to a request is an essential skill. Yesterday we examined how a person who is very upset might use a DBT skill called […]
Welcome to our blog! This is the third post in a three part series on difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
The ability to ask for what you want and say no to a request is an essential skill. Yesterday we examined how a person who is very upset might use a DBT skill called checking the facts to calm themselves. Today we’ll explore keeping relationships and our self respect at the same time.
According to DBT, there are three major goals in relationships, keeping the relationship, getting needs met, and keeping self-respect. You can think of these as balls we juggle as we do the communication dance. Sometimes we want one of these, sometimes we need a combination of them. The balance can be difficult to achieve sometimes because we all respond to and interpret words based on our life experiences.
There are a few simple guide posts for good communication. First, be mindful of your own emotions and experience in the conversation. Pushing away feelings usually leads to explosions, leaving, or feeling miserable. Second, give back some of what you are hearing. Counselors call this skill reflection, it simply means stating what you hear the other person saying in your own words. Finally, be fair and truthful. Relationships should be good for both parties. It is very healthy and acceptable to ask someone to stop doing something that is hurting you or to ask for what you need.
Pro Tip: Try this simple fill in the blank statement in your next conversation.
I feel (emotion word), about (situation), and I need/would like __________.
Thank you for participating in our series on DBT and strong emotions! Never miss a post! Subscribe below.
Blessings, Jessica
See the first two posts here: Part 1, Part 2 Don’t miss a post! Subscribe now! For more information about DBT: https://linehaninstitute.org/.
Welcome to our blog! This is the second post in a three part series on difficult emotion by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. Yesterday we discussed the three states of mind. Emotion mind can be ineffective when we are tempted to act on urges that are inconsistent with our values and goals. When I am hungry, tired, […]
Welcome to our blog! This is the second post in a three part series on difficult emotion by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
Yesterday we discussed the three states of mind. Emotion mind can be ineffective when we are tempted to act on urges that are inconsistent with our values and goals. When I am hungry, tired, sick, or have not taken taken care of myself, I am more likely to be vulnerable to emotion mind. One way that I help myself come out of it is to check the facts. In DBT, checking the facts is a practice of examining our emotional response to an event using reason and logic.
I name the emotion, what caused it, and process my interpretation of the event. Then I usually ask myself if my emotion is valid. Anger makes sense when attacked, integrity is invalidated, or when blocked in reaching a goal. Fear makes sense when there is a threat to well being. Sadness makes sense when hope is dashed or something or someone is lost permanently. The process seems simple, but it is incredibly empowering to validate feelings.
Lets explore this practice further using Dwight from the Office as an example. Dwight is in emotion mind because Jim put his stapler in Jello again. He is ruled by anger and has urges to physically attack Jim and contact HR at the corporate office.
| Emotion Mind | Reasonable Mind | Wise Mind |
| Feelings: embarrassed, laughed at, angry | Anger is valid: Dwight’s social status is threatened | Feelings: Still angry, but grounded, like I can think |
| Thoughts: I shouldn’t let him get away with this! Angela will think less of me if I don’t do something. | Factual statements: People are more likely to listen if I appear calm. I can get another stapler from the closet. I deserve respect. | Thoughts: I do no like the way I feel when pranked. I want this behavior to stop. I can ask Jim to stop doing things like this. |
| Urges: humiliate/ punish Jim |
Notice how the thoughts in the reason column have changed from should statements and judgement. The urges have also disappeared as Dwight begins to feel empowered to help himself.
By giving his feelings a voice and then writing out the facts, Dwight moved up from the threat center of his brain, to higher brain function where he can act in ways that are consistent with his values. Dwight is much more likely to get an end to Jim’s pranks than if he had allowed himself to act impulsively.
Tomorrow we will explore making a request and saying no.
Blessings, Jessica
See the first post in the series here Change Your Mind: Difficult Emotions Part 1. Subscribe now and come back tomorrow for more information on this topic!
For more information about DBT: https://linehaninstitute.org/.
Welcome to our blog! This is the First post in a three part series on dealing with difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT. In my clinical practice I often incorporate DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) interventions and techniques. According to this therapeutic orientation there are three states of mind: Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, and Wise Mind. […]
Welcome to our blog! This is the First post in a three part series on dealing with difficult emotions by Jessica Foreman, PLMFT.
In my clinical practice I often incorporate DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) interventions and techniques. According to this therapeutic orientation there are three states of mind: Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, and Wise Mind. Everyone has these three states of mind, and it can be helpful to identify which one you are currently in so that you can help yourself.
Emotion mind is the place where we are overcome by our feelings or ruled by our moods. People say or do things in emotion mind that they would not do if they felt relaxed and safe. Illness, lack of sleep, and crisis situations can make us vulnerable to this state of mind.
Reasonable mind in its extreme form is the polar opposite of Emotion mind. This state of mind is overly pragmatic and completely insensitive to emotion.
Neither emotion or reasonable mind is a wrong state of mind. There are times when being in these states of mind is helpful and effective, such as when self sacrifice is necessary, or when putting Ikea furniture together. Moving toward a synthesis of the two, or Wise Mind is important when we are in one state or the other and behaving in ineffective ways that lack skill.
Tomorrow we’ll discuss moving from emotion mind into wise mind by practicing a skill called checking the facts.
Blessings, Jessica
Don’t miss a post! Subscribe now and come back tomorrow for more on this topic.
For more information about DBT: https://linehaninstitute.org/.